Now I Know

What happens when someone you love is gone? I guess I wouldn't be angry. Its not like he purposely went away. I used to talk to my grandfather everyday. My dad was pretty stressed that week. He was always with grandpa, I begged to come all the time, so I can tell my grandfather my worries. But my dad says no. It happened when I was still really small. I was frustrated at my dad because he went to grandpa's house everyday, and I only got to speak to him once a week on the phone. I stopped taking grandpa's phone calls, just so he'd miss me at least a bit.

I finally take his call. He says he's going away. "With daddy?" I ask (Just so you know, I was still pretty small) He says he's going by himself. I wonder about insisting for more information. But i stop myself. "I'll see you next week, right grandpa?" He says maybe.

The idea of what he would say keeps popping up i my head. i knew that if I did find out, this nagging feeling will go away. I knew this strange idea would be gone...I ask one day to my dad "Why hasn't grandpa called? Why cant i visit him? Where is he? Whats wrong?" But my dad walks out the door tells me to go in the car and we finally drive to grandpa's house. I regret it, I should have insisted for more information, I didn't want to go in, i wanted to turn. But i walk into his room, and see my grandpa's face, barley visible, so pale like the papers in a book. There were plastic tubes everywhere. The curtains drawn. The bed sheets pulled up so high his mouth is almost covered. Then I break down. Knowing cant call him again. Knowing he wont make me hot chocolate and comfort me when my parents are having a fight.

We go home. Finally. "Now you know" my father says. I remember all the time lost where I was ignoring grandpa, or where I was too busy to go to his house. I cry into my pillow. And scream for god knows how long. The next day was the funeral.