What I Hope to Be

Staring at the calendar. No plan scribbled down. Just plain white boxes, A cell phone in my hand, my finger hovering over the "SEND" button. My past weekends on my bed. The clicking of my cell phone. The tapping of my computer.

I hear my sister slam the front door. Another party. The another shopping spree. Then a sleepover. I felt like her cell phone was a better sister than I am.

I look at my phone and the red light blinks. My Japanese friends text me. Sometimes I just pretend my phone isn't part of this world. But I can't resist. I look down. Want to come over? Want to come to the movies?

I'll say yes. I'll say yes when one day I'm sick and tired of my plain calendar. I'll say yes when I don't have to worry about what they'll say about me afterwards. I get up. But then stop. Laughter bounces my closed door. I roll my eyes and fall back on to my bed. Another day of being trapped in my own room.

I stuff my phone in a drawer. Where it continues to vibrate. Within it my contacts list sleeps. Hibernating even.

This year I hope to be more out going.