Wasted: A Memoir on Anorexia and Bulimia

The title of the memoir I read, is Wasted: A Memoir of Anorexia and Bulimia. I think that the title Wasted reflects on the main character, Marya Hornbacher. She became an anorexic and bulimic person as she grew up, so the title shows how she wasted her body and life because of her obsession with food and her paranoia of becoming an over-weight person.

Marya Hornbacher became so conscious about her weight ever since she turned three years old. She would call herself fat in front of a mirror, play with her food, and refuse to eat ever since she could remember. Her father was warm towards her, and was going on and off diets. Her mother however, had continuous mood swings, one time, playing Barbies with her, another, picking at her food and acting very much like who Marya grew up to be. Her parents were constantly fighting, taking their arguments out on her, competing to be the better parent. Marya would try to be like her mother, cool and collected, while her father would tell her to stay a kid forever, and her mother wanting her to hurry up and grow up.

The memoir was written as a novel and how the Marya Hornbacher today, looks back onto her childhood and how she became a bulimic-anorexic. The memorist, Marya came to know how she pushed away everyone in her life, refusing to eat when she was so small she shouldn’t have to worry, and already getting an eating disorder. And then eating as if her stomach was a bottomless pit and then puking it out as a child. hooking up continuously with boys she hardly knew, getting pregnant during high school twice. She worked hard at a newspaper company as a journalist as she became older, and refusing to take a break, and working more than she’s paid to. She became obsessed in to keeping herself occupied so she wouldn’t have to constantly eat.

I think the book was really creative and how she described how she felt as she went through hospitals, homes for the mentally ill, and then her parents. She makes the reader feel as if they could feel their own bone jutting out awkwardly the way her’s felt. Although some may find it endless and tiring to hear about the memorist’s weight, other girls can relate to what Marya was going through, growing up with the fights with her parents, and being targeted by the boys in her grade due to her early puberty.

Some lines I loved are; “I would lift off into the sky, float over the iced white streets, yes, that was death, and I was the princess trapped in a cage, dying of a broken heart. That was death.” And “The self I’d had, once upon a time, was too much. Now there was no self at all. I was blank.” And “checking my bones, feeling for signs of softness, my brain veering back and forth from pig-pig-pig-fat-pig to stop-it-you’re-okay-it’s-okay-okay-okay”.

I thought the book was very insightful and helped the reader understand how bulimia and anorexia is not just about their vagueness and how they only care about their weight, but Marya Hornbacher shows how there is also fear and how she was unable to open up to anyone and didn’t feel like she can live a normal life. The memoirist went through a suicidal phase so I thought that would help the reader understand and be able to connect to her.

What I Believe

I believe you need to stop and smell the roses,
but need to watch for the thorns.

I believe in relaxation
and staying in bed
long after the alarm bell rings.

I believe that love can never be ugly,
but is beautiful.

I believe that every person,
no matter how perfect,
needs to scream into the wind once or twice

I believe that life is not just about education and love,
but about laughter
and walking in the rain with those you love.

I believe that even the most beautiful, swan-like people,
can be ugly as a toad on the inside.

I believe that money is paper,
money isn't power. Just paper.


I believe you have to risk, just so you can live
just to realize what you have.

I believe everyone needs a brain freeze,
to feel something other than a sugar rush
from ice cream.

I believe that chocolate is not a source of fat
but a source of happiness

I believe that laughter is the glue
that holds friendship together,
not just the secrets.

I believe that everyone needs to cry on a shoulder,
and let their barricade fall, once in a while.

And I believe that nothing should ruin your day
no matter what people say
or do, or think.

because that will be their intention

Join the laughter,
join the chatter, because a day without fun
is a day very well wasted.

Please Lionize Me, I'm A Freak

He watched everybody outside with a meticulous look. Assimilating every little detail on how his peers acted. There were kids who rolled around on the dewy grass and then the other kids who watched the others cautiously and didn't want to get their shoes dirty. He was the only one who wasn't allowed to go out and play soccer. He didn't understand why but his teachers told him that when his parents dumped him at the orphanage, they left no sincere note for him to read when he turned sixteen like most other kids had, all they wrote was "DO NOT LET OUTSIDE" on his old T-shirt when he was four. He felt ashamed to admit it to teachers who asked him why he wasn't outside, he felt like some sort of dog that has rabies and can't play with the others. People asked him all the time "Alex, don't you remember anything?? You were four for god's sake." But no matter how hard he tried, he couldn't remember.

He wanted to go out, play dodge ball, have dissensions over tiny little things like whether someone touched the ball or not. It wasn't as if he wasn't popular or anything. People lionized and loved him. But he didn't like being popular, people treated him like a ticking bomb, making sure he has everything he needs, whether he was comfortable enough, if he was hungry or thirsty, if the air conditioner didn't hit him in the face during class, or whether the class was too boring for him. The teachers always tapped him on the shoulder nervously and asking for his homework, insisting that it's fine if he didn't do it or not.

One day, he went into a school library, to make it up for his overly friendly and nervous teacher and deciding to do some extra credit research, even though the teacher had given him a piece of candy for not doing his homework. He flicked to the news paper articles and grabbed the oldest, most yellow news paper that he found hidden all the way at the bottom of the stack. The news paper had a post-it note that said "THROW OUT! A.S.A.P." As soon as he saw the front cover, he froze. Looking straight up at him, with a grim, yet wild expression in the kid's eyes and holding a knife with a jagged back, was himself. Plastered on the newspaper cover.

He yelped and dropped the newspaper. He glanced at the title: "FOUR-YEAR OLD, CONVICTED OF MURDER OF LOCAL BUTCHER." His mouth dropped open and hurriedly ripped out the page so he can read it in his personal dorm. Once he got upstairs, he scanned the paper. Then leaned back on his king-sized bed that no one seemed to have. Apparently, he was given a test so that his memory would completely vanish before he was dropped at the orphanage. Things were falling into place, he wasn't allowed to go outside because teachers were scared he would kill someone with a plastic shovel. No wonder people were always scared of me.
I'm a freak.

Damaged

The man stood at the edge of the table, two other men surrounded him. They were conspiring an attack on the government at the white house, where they heard he will be there from another terrorist. The men were angry about the state of anarchy their country was in. They had gone days, maybe weeks, without food or water for days while the secretly enforced American military attacked them in the middle of the goddamn night.Their secret head quarters--his basement--was dimly lit with a single, grimy light bulb. The three men clicked it off and headed to the scene this "big shot" president was going to give as he merely waved to bystanders as he climbed into his "big shot" limo.
"Hurry up! Before the bombs go off under him! I want to see it explode..." he said giggling.
The other men exchanged looks. This guy was officially crazy. First he wanted to see if sunflowers will grow in his basement...now this. They're anger made them follow him out to the vast street, leading them to the White house. One man, who had a child of his own paused. He saw a tractor with the key still dangling from the keyhole. He was already on the tractor before the other men noticed. The man drove right up in front of the president, snatched him and dumped him with a security guard. The other two men, including the man who was reluctant about the whole blow-the-president-up idea, were apprehended. The crazy man cursed. The next day, newspaper reporters from all over stated that officials have figured out that this man had serious damage to his head, thinking of how life is really just a dream....

Bernice

Oh, HOLDEN CAULFIELD!? You mean that madman who came up to me and my friends in the Lavender room?? He told us his name was JIM STEELE!! *Look around room* Anyways he starting hitting on me, Marty and Laverne, we couldn’t help but laugh, and then he looked SO upset. I mean he was giving us the once-over for goodness sakes! He kept asking us to dance about a thousand times, but he was really looking at ME. (This sort of freaked me out).

Gosh, it was so hilarious. He looked like he was almost an adult but he sure didn’t act like it. That boy looked drunk, and I sort of felt sorry for him, talking to girls that aren’t even his age. I had to stop myself from saying “Who do you think you are?” but ‘course, he was still a child so I had to act sophisticated, or who knows! He looked like the type to take advantage.

I finally succumbed and he looked like he won a gold medal. He told me I was a great dancer about a thousand times, I wasn’t really listening; I swear, I thought I saw Elizabeth Taylor. Then he kissed me right on my forehead out of nowhere! And I was all “hey! What’s the idea?!” I mean who will kiss someone just because they’re a terrific dancer!?

*Break*

After he danced with Marty, she came back and screamed she saw a glimpse of Gary Cooper!! Gosh, Marty’s SO lucky! She actually SAW him! Gosh I went sore after that but I couldn’t help but be excited that I was in the same room as George Cooper.

Anyways we lied that we wanted to see the early sunset tomorrow after he had asked us where we were from, and before I can think of a lie, ‘course Marty and Laverne had to say we were from Seattle. I mean, came from Seattle, Washington to New York, with my best friends, Marty and Laverne. To be honest; we were sort of hoping to bump into celebrities.

Then he was asking us where we worked and I was sure he was gonna ask us what our house number and address was. Gosh, that kid was one creepy madman. So I had to drag Marty and Laverne out of the Lavender room. So much for trying to bump into celebrities.

And I could feel his creepy eyes on me the whole time we were practically running out of the Lavender room. When we finally got out, we collapsed laughing and went to central park to go look for more movie stars.

Holden Caulfield's Clinical Report

Department of Mental and Language Disorder

The New York Psychiatric Institute

Statement of Problem

Holden was seen at The New York Psychiatric Institute for a mental and language evaluation for a brain examination to see his progress. He was referred by Dr. Chase, his assigned doctor. The client was accompanied to the clinic by Mr. and Mrs. Caulfield, his parents. He wishes to gain information about Phoebe Caulfield, states his younger sister. The following is a summary of result based on the case history form, parent interview, assessment results and observation obtained before and after the evaluation.

Birth History

School Performance

Medical History

Developmental History

Behavioral Issues

Evaluation History

Holden Caulfield was born in 1932 in New York, his school performances have been disappointing and he has recently been expelled from Pencey Prep, due to lack of participation in his classes. Pencey Prep is now his fourth school to be expelled from and it is likely he will be going to another boarding school after his break and rehabilitation.

After interviewing Mr. and Mrs. Caulfield, we have found out that Holden has not been doing very well in school and seems to be flunking numerous classes, he had several conflicts with Mr. Caulfield, but they have stated that he is extremely fond of his siblings and is a typical, adolescent. Mr. and Mrs. Caulfield report that he has only been to the hospital once when he broke his hand in an accident, but he has no developmental history yet and he appears to have not been prescribed any drugs for his mental issues so far.

Behavioral Observations

Before we evaluated, we had talked to him and his attitude was mainly secretive and uncooperative. His memory is descriptive during certain events, detached and unreliable during other stressful ones. He has low interest in conversations and he became tense when we spoke of his younger brother, Allie, who passed away. His behavioral issues appear to be that he is a pessimistic and negative individual and would zone out of the moment and lose his train of thought constantly. He is very sarcastic and he mentioned many girls to our doctors. When he is not talking, he becomes very quiet and has troubler relating to the topic.

After the evaluation, he seems to be more joyful and talked continuously. We had tried to usher him out of the room, but he seems ignorant to people who try to talk to him while he is talking. Doctors believe that he may have trouble socializing at school, because when clinicians asked of his interests, he began to ask them for a drink which he thought was fairly strange. When addressed directly, he seems to divert the topic so that he finished by talking about one of his friends. Holden engaged in task but stopped half way through to talk about one of his other friends. Doctors believe that he does not like attention turned on him and he disengages in task in the end and is hard to get him back on track after being interrupted by his thoughts.

Summary & Recommendations

Based on the result of his evaluation, we believe he has symptoms for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PSTD), a severe anxiety disorder. Holden’s lack of enthusiasm shows that he may have trouble interacting with others. We recommend he take some stress relieving pills to calm his nerves after evaluating that he is very jittery and he should be heard by a professional psychiatrist and see if we can help him. After evaluating Holden, we have found out that his mind process is scattered and disorganized and the contents of his mind show that he may have delusions, paranoia, and suicidal ideas.

Although Holden’s referral to several of his friends, after we observed closely, we believe that he does not know many of them quite well. This proves that he is desperate for affection and is caught up in his own thoughts to live well society due to the fact that he finds it difficult to grasp the fact that not everything is the same as what he thinks in his mind. Due to the fact that he has a mental disability, he will have to be thoroughly checked for any other problems. If he has a serious mental damage, he will have to be diagnosed as soon as possible. So far, he seems to be fine but has sure symptoms for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

Psychiatrists recommended that he has rehabilitation for at least two months, once a week and have therapy every day. Although rehab is recommended, the result may not suggest that he will be accepted for rehab in the schools. Please send a copy of this report with specialists at Holden’s school to determine if he will be accepted for therapy in that specialized setting. If he cannot qualify for our specific therapy classes and pschiatrist meetings, he will be placed on the waiting list at New York Psychiatric Institute. Because of the size and limited space at the clinic, we cannot guarantee a spot for Holden until we decide if his situation is serious and needs immediate services. His status on the waiting list will expire in an year, if it does, we suggest Holden to come and check in again. The expiration date will be on November 6th, 1956. If you have not received any scheduled appointment for Holden by this date, or if Holden’s situation becomes worse, a re-evaluation will be scheduled to determine any severe changes.

Tension

I was walking to the park, clad with winter clothes, head to toe. That was when I saw Holden, Holden Caulfield. I blinked my eyes but it was no figment of my imagination, Holden Caulfield was helping a little girl with her ice skates! He was even talking to the little girl. This completely surprised me since the last time I saw him, his disposition was irascible and despondent, especially after he lost his younger brother. But, other than that, he was a lonely, strange person.

Anyways, once the younger girl left with tremulous hands, I walked over to him gingerly, because he was easily rankled, and said "Hi". To my surprised, once I got closer, he looked strangely serene. But then again, he was a weird guy, maybe even a recluse. He finally looked up but didnt seem to rrecognize m, which explains a lot since he was drunk and telling me about some girl named Jane... yes, he is a strange, haunting guy.

"Hey! Holden!" I finally say rather spontaneously. He looked up with deep, interminable eyes and asked me if I wanted a drink. I just stared at him, not believing what I heard.

"Um. Do you even remember me?" I say, ignoring his question. I was, as any other individual would be, freaked out. But instead of freaking out on the spot, I just sighed and walked away since this reunion wasnt going so well.

"Wait! Jane, Bernice, Sally, Faith, Sunny, and..." he muttered, "Mari!" He yelled. Then thats when I turned around and regretted it after looking into his glassy eyes. Well, Holden, who I surmised was an alcoholic, is someone you can never get used to, no matter how many times you unfortunately bump into him. So I was pretty much electrified when the smell of cigarettes pervaded through my lungs and fogging my lungs.

"Yeah," I answered, regretting my decision of talking to him in the first place. I had pretty much gotten over the strange aroma that came from me, but it still left me dizzy.

"Can you, Mari, answer me honestly?" he says with an imperative tone.

"O... okay," I stutter.

"Should I go home now?" he asks, his eyes eager for the truth.

"I... I dont know, yes?" I finally stammer out.

His eyes flashed to an impatient look that made me bite back a scream, but just as fast as it came, it disappeared. He stood up as I stepped back, like clock work. He shook my hand vigorously and my hand slightly shifted to the pocket on my bag with my pepper spray in it (which I carried around after my last encounter with Holden on the streets). I finally extricated my hand from his tight grip. His eyes filled with excitement and ran off down the street. God, that crazy guy, I'm so not going to talk to him. EVER.